![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ceu
I started writing this in October 2020, then decided, "well, the point of this fic isn't to explain it, isn't it?" But for fun, because I wrote quite a bit of it already, I'm sharing it here.
Link to the fic on my site, for ease of access.
to sing of the damage, I think, is one of my most interesting fics, because so much of it is (intentionally) unexplained. So I think I should write a post where I explain it! Full disclosure though that I did write it four years ago (which is wild to me, how time passes) so there's actually a lot of information surrounding the circumstances of my writing this fic that I've forgotten.
I did not, however, forget my mindset, nor most of my intentions when writing the fic (e.g. symbolism, foreshadowing, etc.) It started when I read
And then sometime afterward I thought, and what if I wrote it from hallucinatory!Eduardo's POV? It would be an experiment in tenses and storytelling and I was skeptical if I could pull it off, but of course, took that as a challenge to try to, anyway. And I think I did? From the feedback I've gotten, anyway. It's actually been a long time since I read the fic word for word myself. I've actually read the ending several times (when Mark "realizes") because I think my writing is exceptionally good there.
And if you're wondering why I'm returning to this fic in September 2020, it's because
But I will actually get to that specific part later when I go through every line. For now, let's go to my process, pseudo step by step.
WHAT CAME FIRST? The premise, and the idea of the ending I had for the fic that (obviously) later got scrapped - it's actually in my B-Side post of this fic, the second part.
He turns around to look at you.
But you were never there.
But of course, I think, following the flow of the fic, it never would've worked, and it's too obvious.
I knew I wanted to write it in the second person, to lend to the unreliability of the narrator. Especially since the relationship Mark would have with the "you" is extremely prominent, because Mark, a third person character, is the one technically controlling "you." So it reads for this stuttered, unsure interpretation, heartbreaking sort of thing especially when you realize what's happening.
There were a few things I knew I wanted to play with considering the unreliable narrator:
- tenses (which I actually did not do, because it didn't work)
- situations (ending midsentence, creating an overall sense of unreality)
- repeats of scenes in terms of narration, to indicate that Mark doesn't know what Eduardo would've done in that situation
- gaslighting in the narration, as in intentional inconsistencies, lending to the unreality (which I think semi-occurred, but actually probably not as blatant as I would've liked)
- related to the above, Eduardo's "POV" except it's Mark's, not knowing things that Eduardo should know (especially things about Mark)
I practiced a lot of this in the first draft, which was a short snippet I wrote on my phone in February before I actually started writing it. (Also in my b-side.) In the end there actually turned out to be a lot more "objectivity," mostly taking place in scenes between the actual narrative action. I think the way I ended up approaching it did make it more readable and was as haunting as it was understandable. So I don't regret not exactly fully going all out with my experiments, as perhaps over the top ambiguity would've made it just unreadable.
WRITING PROCESS: So, I literally don't remember what medium I used to write this in. I know I started it in write or die, but I didn't finish it in it?? I didn't write it in evernote?? Or dreamwidth?? Or gdocs??? Or MS Word??? I literally Don't Know, which means I probably wrote it in textedit on my old laptop tbh (I got my current one in 2019 so uh Yeah) or at least compiled it there because according to my old tweets I was still using mywriteclub pretty consistently then
Some other things I've gathered from reading the old tweets from when I was writing this:
- I reread a lot of my own angst to get into the proper mindset for it
- It promptly put me into depression after writing it which took me all month to get back out of (rip lol)
- It was such an amorphous idea that I was struggling with it
- and also had to talk to
static_abyss and nute on multiple occasions to talk it out- Christie helped a lot with this actually we talked while I wrote it pretty much (on and off between actual writing sessions); here's a snippet
ceu: SO LIKEceu: i'm having issues likeceu: trying to come up with the "conversation" that mark has with Fake Eduardoceu: where they talk things out and forgive each other or whateverceu: and i was like..... maybe mark should just skip that over?? like there should be this ceu: mood / scene shift where suddenly they're talking and friendly againceu: because mark (outside of Fake Eduardo's perspective) can't quite imagine or come up with a situation that he can find plausible, can't find eduardo's voice for it, can't come up with the scenes and dialogue etc that leads to eduardo's forgiveness and the rebuilding of their relationship so he just skips that part entirely (so this part of the fic does to) and just segues into friendlinessceu: and eventual.... romantic....... stuff......... or whatever.......ceu: but like, have the forgiveness and the recoup near the end, towards where fake eduardo's actual situation is revealed? BUT IDK BC THAT COULD MAKE IT TOO OBVIOUS TO THE READERceu: SO... WHAT ARE UR THOUGHTS ON THIS... I GUESS...nute: OH....nute: huhnute: that... makes sense when u put it like thatnute: maybe do it the way tsn did? where mark initiated talking to erica but the film cuts off showing you if they reconciled or notnute: u could do that herenute: or maybe you could just infer to the conversation happening in other scenesnute: i feel like mark would go over every possible way their conversation could potentially go lolceu: THATs a good idea...ceu: YEAH i already spent likeceu: 5k wordsceu: of hypothetical situationsnute: so u could write an entire fic based on how mark imagines all the different waynute: snute: yesceu: it's been so muchceu: and also slightly metaceu: bc i mostly gathered them from other reconciliation ficsnute: WHICH IDEA ARE U REFERRING TOnute: LOLnute: omg i love your metaceu: i mean the idea of them referring to the "forgiveness" conversation in likeceu: them being friendsceu: but the fic not witnessing the forgiveness scene/conversation(s) yet bc mark has no idea how they would go and how long it would take and how many tries he would neednute: i feel like not showing the forgiveness scenenute: adds mysteryMost of the other convos were video called or I think on skype which I no longer have access to. Or rabbit which... no longer anyone has access to... lol.
With regards to outline/scene related stuff, I wanted:
- to have it start with a lot of the "what if" type scenes
- because Mark wanted to imagine a proper reconciliation but could never get it right in his head
- but if it happened? when it happened? it would move onto casual platonic stuff
- but then in his head fall also right into the romance/sexual stuff
I like how I compromised with this, since I know the scene in question (right after the depositions) is not REALLY a conclusion/apology/whatever, but it's the type that Mark could tell himself is "good enough."
When I also got to the part towards the end of the fic - the part where Mark goes to visit his family for Thanksgiving - I knew that was going to be the most substantial real person interaction Mark was going to have, and I NEEDED to write that so I could fill in the gaps of Mark's subconscious later. So that's what I did! All the deleted scenes were deliberately written before I wrote those bits (and I knew they would be deleted scenes, I had no intention of putting them in the actual fic), to create that sort of norm and then work around it. I think it's also insightful in terms of what Mark's hallucinatory state looks like to other people. Actually, I think I'll analyze these scenes at the end!!
Anyway. I remember when I finished this fic, I hated it, but that tended to happen more often than not. I finished it, had Christie and Ana look over it and beta it, revised under their beta directions but knew I had to make final edits before I posted it and... really did not want to. Seriously, it was finished with my standard beta process by 3/11, but I didn't post it until the 28th of that month because I didn't want to go back to it and look over it one more time.
But I did.
And now, we shall visit it again.
THE COMMENTARY
Flicker.
I was actually super nervous that the repetition of the word 'flicker' - which, yes, was used to indicate the brief starts and stops in Mark's brain of the fantasies he creates - would turn out to be repetitive and annoying. I'll let you know what I think at the end. But the find+search function is showing me it shows up 14 times, which honestly is a good number.
You see him, in the corner of your eyes. Peripheral, like he is not really there.
You do not think, in the moment, that he has seen you.
He has.
A bit of foreshadowing/irony here; "peripheral, like he is not really there," when he's the one there and "you" (Eduardo) are the one who's not. Also saying that "you do not think [...] that he has seen you. he has" pretty much lends to "you are a hallucination that he sees" but also red herrings it to a third person omniscient type thing. idk, these intro paragraphs are nice.
There are these events. Ever since he signed the check, you have been getting invited to Facebook events for shareholders.
Bit of a reference to how in a lot of other post-deposition reconciliation fics, they usually start with E/M running into each other at these events. Which is understandable, and also then makes it understandable for Mark to fantasize the same type of thing.
Sometimes he is twenty feet from you. Or a hundred and forty seven.
Two other hints at Mark "fantasizing."
He used to be a wound in your arm piercing through your skin, scar tissue in human form.
OKAY, "scar tissue in human form" is GREAT, what the fuck allowed me to write this clause in 2016???
He used to run deep in your veins, every millimeter of blood—
He used to be the pang of loneliness in New York.
No—
He used to be on an airplane, to somewhere you can't see, and you would call to the sky that you love him. And he wouldn't hear you, because he is on that plane, miles and miles away, shielded by metal and turbulence and leaving—
He used to be the boy whose bed you stole and whose mini-fridge you'd stock with beer. He used to be smiles that you would barely catch, jokes you'd finish under your breath, a warmth beneath your palms—
This is a heartbreaking little segment where Mark reflects that Eduardo was obviously more open, emotional, and earnest than him, but doesn't know how actually deep Eduardo's feelings ran. So he's thinking about it, and throwing out these possibilities - Eduardo's entire world is Mark, Eduardo longs for Mark, Eduardo loves his college best friend Mark--
The No&emdash; also plays into this, the idea of Mark turning these ideas over in his head. Mark can't decide. Mark doesn't know. It went lawsuit, airplane crash, Eduardo's dead, and Mark will never find out :(
It is raining.
This was something I didn't expect to repeat as much as I did (4 times, but still!) in the fic. It was not exactly a throwaway line in the movie, but it didn't hold that much meaning either. I believe my intention with this line and the consistent rain to indicate that Mark is thinking of how Eduardo loves the weather, and how it rained on the day of the Winklevoss depositions. Mark is (clearly) using a lot of the past to reflect on how he should perceive/imagine Eduardo in the "present," and Eduardo likes the rain (in all of my hcs), so he wants it to rain, if only for him.
This is another event. You are talking, laughing with some woman in a red low-cut dress, with a man in a penguin copycat tuxedo and a receding hairline. They love you because you are young. You know this.
Mark is now sadly watching these real people talk and imagining Eduardo talking with them because they're type of people Eduardo would charm :(
You drift in and out of the crowd like a ghost.
More foreshadowing... lol
Oh, so on the spacing and scene breaks in this fic: it is PROBABLY obvious but I'm going to say something about it, anyway! So the spacing is general breaks between "scenes" but still along Mark's same line of thought; e.g. a lot of his attempts at running instances in his head are broken up by the spacing. The asterisks - the more formal breaks - are actual narrative breaks between subjects.
Like, we see at the first asterisk break:
During the settlement, you'd been talking to your lawyer about what you were going to do afterwards. You were loud. (You didn't care.)
This is a blatant switch to a different part of the narrative - not on Mark's conscious mind, but a pseudo flashback (backstory, obviously.) And here we also have it obvious that this is something that Mark will think about, that Mark has thought about a lot. Especially since it was the first flight out from CA to Singapore after the depositions which, uh, obviously makes a repeated return and is thematic.
Singapore is on the other side of the world. It is farther away from California than New York had ever been.
Something that people like to iterate about rl!Eduardo moving to Singapore a lot - while I know it was for tax evasion irl (lol), it's kind of a heartbreaking fanon that Eduardo moves to Singapore to get as far away from Mark as possible. It also reminds me of an immortal AU I'll never write, where they fuck and fight and try to get away from each other but the world is too small... anyway :')
He'd passed you, then.
Of course, to set that Mark was in the room/around when Eduardo said this, so it is something that Mark knows and not something he just psychically drew out of thin air.
He is always at these events. Every single one that you come to. You—
He is the CEO of Facebook. Of course he is always here.
This is Mark deliberating whether Eduardo would be annoyed that he's always there, or resigned/accepting that he's there because, hello, CEO of FB.
You would be, too, if you were still a part of Facebook. You would be by his side, and he would introduce you as, "My CFO, Eduardo Saverin." Or perhaps you would say, "My CEO, Mark Zuckerberg," and everyone would laugh. You would grab wines and champagnes for the both of you, and when you would turn to him he would already have a beer bottle in his hand.
More heart-wrenching imagining, but this time in the "what if things were completely different" way. So many of Mark's fantasies are not just "what if Eduardo was alive right now," but also "what if any of these things that happened in the past changed," leading to the all (admittedly confusing) strange "what if" situations.
Singapore is. Singapore. Google says it's the happiest country in the world.
This is actually something I learned in my eighth grade Geography class LOL but yeah... imagine Mark feverishly typing "why the fuck would anyone move to singapore" in Google at like midnight
You smile at him. It does not touch the corner of your eyes, where you have begun to grow crow's feet.
Eduardo dies pretty young in this fic (20-something?? 25 I think; this fic takes place in 2009, 2 years after the funeral (iirc) where he would be 27) so Mark imagining that if Eduardo had a chance to grow old and get crow's feet 8(
A voice behind you says, "Champagne?" You turn around. It is him, your ex-best friend, some sort of curve hidden in the slide of his lips.
You take the offered flute. "I didn't know you drank champagne." You don't need to choose your words carefully.
He shrugs.
His mouth is confusing, world-changing, like code. "I don't," he says.
You tilt the glass up. "To us," you say.
His mouth is a straight line, and his gaze is off-kilter.
You drink. It is minding your own business. He has said three words to you. You don't particularly wait for him to say anymore.
"Did you need something?" you ask, civil.
He says, "I wanted to talk to you."
He says, "No." He walks away.
So this whole sequence... there is a lot to say!!
First it's Mark explicitly redoing the scene in his head: he wants it to go a) he offers Eduardo champagne b) Eduardo accepts the champagne, c) they talk, although the precise dialogue Mark wants is... well, he doesn't know. He imagines Eduardo saying "to us" but, no, that's not right, so he backtracks.
The lines His mouth is confusing, world-changing, like code and His mouth is a straight line, and his gaze is off-kilter parallel each other intentionally - the second one is supposed to be like a rewind, of where he's restarting this fantasy. And he just... Mark doesn't know. What he wants himself to say or what he wants Eduardo to say.
And then he gives up.
There is already a glass of champagne in your hand. You are talking, laughing with some investors. It is like Harvard, where you have friends around every corner, where Chris can get into the parties at MIT, where Dustin can find girls in Art History classes.
And now we restart the scene, except now Eduardo already has the champagne instead of having Mark offer a flute to him. And a little bit of Mark reminiscing on his time at Harvard and how Eduardo was likable and popular and would be likable and popular even at business functions.
Your smile falters for only a bit, but you will be polite, say what you can to appease him and then get rid of him.
(like a girl approached in a bar from the back, with barely enough room for an explanation—)
He does not offer you another glass of champagne. He does not say that he wants to talk to you. You do not ask him if he needs something. His gaze burns deep into yours.
This I think is kind of an obvious indicator that despite the second person, this is taking place (with all formalities) from Mark's POV. It shows how Mark thinks of himself with people he wants to (and doesn't know how to) apologize to, and flashbacks to that scene with Erica in the movie, in the club.
The last paragraph is a callback to Mark's previous attempts at fantasy, things that JUST "happened" in the previous scenes. Except... they're not a part of this fantasy. So it's just. More unreliable narrator stuff, and a callback to something else that didn't occur (since, obviously, this is not occurring.)
See, at these functions, you don't know everyone. There are always new startups, new companies, new businesses and organizations and foundations to support. You smile and make friends and put everyone under the right names in your contacts list. You remember every face, every name, always remember to ask, "How are the kids?" and "When are you going to Italy again?" and "Did you kill your plant yet?" Your smile does not stray too far from your lips. Everyone drinks you in.
There is a man. He expects you to know everyone. No—he wants you to. He is old. Sometimes he is forgetful.
And now we start a new hypothetical situation!!! No longer "we run into each other and [Mark] tries to talk to Eduardo" at functions; instead we're beginning the hypothetical "someone does not know that Mark and Eduardo know each other and introduce them together." This is also a play off common fic (as was the previous 'instance' - both of these are deliberate references to when these occur in fic), where, well, someone doesn't know that they know each other and introduce them to each other. Oftentimes it's someone Eduardo's senior, or like, an app partner or something.
He says, "And this, of course, the CEO and founder of Facebook."
He says, "This is Mark Zuckerberg."
He says, "Have I introduced you to my friend, Mark Zuckerberg?"
Mark running through these possible lines in his head... in the end it doesn't matter, but at the beginning of this fic Mark wants to be as precise with the dialogue and action as possible.
This was deliberate on my part! I feel like when Mark starts running through the fantasies and hypothetical situations, in the beginning he feels like he needs to set it up properly (which also then I needed to do when writing lol), make it believable. He's sort of trying to achieve a fantasy where they can talk, except he doesn't... know how they would, or why they would, even moreso where or when.
He stands between the two of you like he is ephemeral, unimportant.
He sure is!
You smile, and you say, "Yeah, I know him."
You smile, and stick your hand out, and say, "Nice to meet you."
He takes your hand. He fixes you with one of those confused scowls. You shake hands like you are the only ones there.
He says, "We've met."
You say, "I know, he was my ex-best friend and I was the CFO of Facebook before he screwed me out." You are smiling.
And, once again, Mark has no idea what Eduardo would say... or what HE would say... or how that situation would play out at all...
And then we move onto another scene break...
And, ah, we've moved back to the Singapore fixation!! There's not a LOT to say here, mostly just Mark imagining what Eduardo's life would be like, interacting with him aside, in Singapore.
You love the humidity, the water in the air sticking to your skin. In Massachusetts you'd complained about the dryness and the propensity to cold; you always wore thick black jackets and long sleeves underneath.
This is a personal headcanon I have of Eduardo loving the humidity (and, consequentially, having dry/cool skin usually) since he was brought up in only tropical areas (Sao Paolo and then Florida.)
The next scene is a vast switch between hypotheticals and Mark's thoughts, to a scene where Mark is at dinner with someone. I think it actually might've been a date but now we've got lovely hallucinatory!Eduardo interrupting it.
"Pick up the check, Mark," you say.
He rolls his eyes. He scuffs his foot under the table. “What if I don't want to?”
You give him a look. You couldn't make him do everything—you couldn't even make him do most things—
You give him a look. "We all know that money doesn't mean a lot to you."
“Yeah, and we know how much it means to you.”
For the record, this dialogue is NOT happening.
"I'll get the check," he says.
You nod. You are standing, half caught into the restaurant's shadows, half in the light. There are dust motes under the lamp.
"It's nothing," he says.
"You just like being an asshole," you say. Fond. Familiar.
He says, "Yeah, it was okay."
Two pairs of footsteps trail out of the booth.
For the record, Mark's dialogue IS happening here, but Eduardo's "You just like being an asshole" isn't. The 'two pairs of footsteps trail out of the booth' is just a little disconcerting, because the conversation... doesn't make sense.
I do remember before I wrote this scene I did initially write a non-scene (aka, I wrote what happened here but never intended to put it in the fic) and honestly I think it's in evernote let me find it lol
And NOW we get to the "hypothetical meeting together at a shareholder meeting" part... AGAIN I'm truly referencing the many post-deposition reconciliation fics that use these, in a very meta way. But I mean. Would TSN Mark not think the same things
Afterward, you have said a handful of words total and are packing up your things. This is just one of the many shareholder's meetings you have to attend annually, these days. There are lots more. There are kids in Singapore, smart kids, whom you help with their startups. There are so many companies and bright ideas and doors you have your foot in and friends you make and businesses you are a part of. This meeting is but a blip in your life.
You stand up. He is there.
"Wardo," he says; he always has to have the first word.
You incline your head slightly. "Mark."
You are the fastest to pack up. You are the first one out.
And a bit of Mark deliberating how actually impactful the shareholder meetings are to Eduardo and how much he gives a shit.
The rest of this scene (and the break/scene after that) are more of Mark deliberating Eduardo at these shareholder meetings... then we get to:
Here's the story you tell your friends:
He was an asshole, your best friend. He asked you for the money because you had it—you had loads of it, you still do. He asked you to be CFO as a formality, and he asked you for money whenever he needed it, because he knew you'd give it to him. You never had a choice in the matter. He was using you. You didn't know.
Eventually, there was a lot you didn't know. Eventually, he didn't need you anymore. Eventually, instead of telling you, calling you up like a bad breakup, he made you believe that you still had all of this when he took it when you weren't looking. When you asked him why, he wasn't there.
You have told this story many times. You have told it so much that you've started to believe it.
So switching to a bit of omniscient (this fic is obviously not Mark's thoughts/experiences linearly) with how Mark is creating Eduardo's 'backstory', what his life would've been like in Singapore. And how much of his own past he offered to his Singaporean friends. But I have this section because I think Mark has got it into his head - and this is not a fandom specific thing, but specifically from Mark's POV - that Eduardo would tell his friends about this, because he feels this slighted.
The You have told this story many times. You have told it so much that you've started to believe it. is a bit more... meta because. Well. Yes, okay, fantasy Eduardo clearly believes it. But also, if it's going on in Mark's head, then, well, what's stopping Mark from eventually believing it too!!! And then... sad :(
Next scene (I'm not going to quote them because it's not necessarily and I don't like doing DVD commentary in text) is a drunk Mark scene--and then consequentially fantasizing, again. Drunk Mark at a bar at a function imagining Eduardo coming up to him... coming up to the bar at least :( And we get a bit of what Mark's mindset is actually like in this scene:
His eyes are unfocused, head fuzzy. He is drunk. Probably wants a computer keyboard in front of him so he can crash this hotel's network, so he has an excuse to go home. He is tired; the bags under his eyes are heavy; his skin is pale under the blue-glow of the bar, the back of his skin and his knuckles pink from the tightness, the strain. You see him from the edge of your eyes.
The counter is sticky, more like a real bar than a sleek hotel one. You leave before you can hear him say your name.
And of course despondent Mark thinking Eduardo would just ignore him which... I mean is not wholly implausible anyway.
Then a post-fantasy thought:
Why the hell would you get a beer when you could be drinking champagne?
to acknowledge the unreality of it all, and how Mark is clearly drunk and not thinking 'realistically' about Eduardo in this scene
And now we go back to our regularly scheduled shareholder meeting fantasies... of course, leading with this one (which also occurs in fic, lol):
You send your assistant to the shareholders meetings. You never come. It's not worth the effort.
But afterward we go back to the fantasies because sometimes, in fantasies, it's easier to just... despite if reality would be not as desired, to pretend that's not the case.
And then a bit of Mark self-destructiveness projecting it onto his fantasy Eduardo....
And ah, the aerophobia starts :D
And pining Mark thoughts... wondering if Eduardo would miss him, would call him. This is the part where the reader realizes there's something amiss, with the POV especially. And then:
You don't.
As an answer to the previous questions ("Do you miss him? / Do you want him to miss you?") but also as an answer to where the previous paragraph ("You want to wake up in the middle of the night in Singapore...") each sentence starts with "You want".... except then, Mark is resigned to that, maybe Eduardo doesn't. Maybe Eduardo doesn't miss him half as much as he wants him to.
Ah and then this scene:
He walks by you, with his assistant on one side and an app designer on the other. They are talking and discussing about something that is unimportant to you; you are listening to a conversation with people who are not them. You nod in all the right places. The sight of him catches your eye.
His gaze flickers. To yours.
You smile at him.
He smiles back.
The bit with Mark IS happening, but obviously his mind is drifting. Mark has accepted that there will just be no exchange of dialogue that will ever feel right, so he settles for this: smiles exchanged halfway across the room.
You go back to Singapore. You always do. You hadn't lied to your lawyer, hadn't changed your mind, hadn't decided to stay in the country and maybe move to New York or even hang around Palo Alto to look at the businesses starting up here. You hadn't even gone to become a storm chaser, for all your love of meteorology; or started up your own hedge fund, next to Wall Street.
You go to Singapore.
This is also Mark accepting the other reality: that no matter what, Eduardo would've gone to Singapore, anyway. At this point in his head, anyway. Also HAHA the hedge fund thing is a reference to a very specific fic :'D
This is also Mark accepting that Eduardo would move on sooner or later, possibly even sooner. The line "Every creation myth needs its devil" is taken directly from the movie (the last scene where Mark and Marylin are talking; Marylin says it).
Mark is fantasizing here about Eduardo using Facebook, which comes into play as an unreality/intentional inconsistency later. But then it gets cut off by Mark's absolute terror at the thought of Eduardo being in an airplane (much less himself, later).
I (obviously) was not going to run through every scenario Mark runs through, for storytelling purposes; so this section of this fic is done - that is, Mark running through many scenarios and trying (and failing) to find the right one. The story moves on, as, eventually does Mark (and his brain), but we do get a brief interlude of Mark imagining, even before the lawsuit, what if he stopped Eduardo from leaving after the laptop smash:
There is a universe where he grabs you by your arm as you walk out of the Facebook offices. He says, "Don't go."
We get back to the present and hallucinations alongside realtime.
It is across the bedroom, though he often forgets about it because in the mornings when he wakes up he grabs something to eat, and his laptop is usually already there, and he works on his kitchen table.
This kind of makes the Mark pov/perspective more in the spotlight again. And then there's seemingly throwaway line:
The office is there as a formality, stacks of papers and deposition transcripts and folders at the desk. Sometimes he uses it.
to fit in with this, but note the deposition transcripts!!!!! The implication here is that Mark spends time reading them (and rereading them), remembering and gathering every memory of Eduardo that he can.
Anyway, back into the "present" of the scene. The dialogue is not happening (I think there's a line towards the end that's like "he's never said anything to you" to imply that, but), only in his head; Mark isn't talking out loud with no one to talk back.
He makes a noise. You are sitting across from him, reading a book with one elbow propped on the table. It's daytime in Singapore.
"Mark," you say to him. "It's three in the morning."
Half finished thoughts, thinking about Eduardo in Singapore but also here...
You close your book. "This is worse than college."
You close your book. "Mark, please. For me?"
You close your book.
"Mark."
And the repetition of "you close your book" here is Mark once again redoing Eduardo's dialogue in his head.
He scowls, but you can see the red rims around his eyes, thick like he hasn't had a wink of sleep in weeks.
He sure hasn't!!!
"Wardo, I was in the middle of something," he says.
"You saved," you tell him. You know him.
"Mark," you say. "Please go to sleep."
Flicker.
He closes his laptop. It's three in the morning. He goes to bed.
Flicker.
SO A FEW THINGS HERE:
"You saved" - Mark DID save, which is something I suppose hypothetically if someone was with Mark and paying attention he could know. But it could also be something that Eduardo's not supposed to know.
The flicker is the flicker of Eduardo's existence, in and out of Mark's brain. Mark deciding when he's there and when he's not. The repetition of "it's three in the morning" in the last sequence indicates that not much time passed at ALL in real time during this, just in Mark's brain, and is mostly him warring with sleeping or not, especially with his Eduardo hallucination.
And of course the POV switch in that section for what Mark actually does separates us from the scene - from Eduardo's POV - and just tells us what Mark does.
Oh, hah, the next part is about how Eduardo doesn't use facebook (in his fantasy, not in real life... obviously he doesn't in real-time) which I mentioned before yeah lol
You don't think about him very often. You don't think about him at all.
All you think about is that half a second smile, at that share function. You wonder if he thinks about you. If you should start thinking about him.
Here Mark is getting especially self-deprecating and cynical about how much if-alive!Eduardo would think of him - that is, not at all. That maybe he's getting wrapped up in his fantasies with them interacting, that maybe it wouldn't matter to if-alive!Eduardo at all.
Why had you smiled at him? He had never apologized to you, spoken to you after the settlement, except for perfunctory hellos when neither of you had a choice. You have not thought about him much over the years, aside from hearing Facebook from people on the street and overheard in cafes, rather than around Harvard campus or in the confines of the Kirkland suite, like a secret. And this, this is running your fingers over and at the edges of a scab at your skin, threatening to peel it off and let the blood flow, the wound in the chest that he had created. You have no reason to forgive him. He has done nothing to make you smile.
And even worse: now we have Mark deliberating over why, in that fantasy where they smiled at each other, WHY Eduardo would smile at him in response. Mark is being significantly more self-pitying now, thinking that there's nothing Eduardo would smile at him about, especially since Mark never apologized to him and even if he did, he knows that Eduardo would not owe him forgiveness.
And now we have Mark imagining deliberate instances of him apologizing to Eduardo, to remedy that. To create that? At this point, though Mark's faced with the fact that, no, he can't just write it off. He can't just imagine a smile and let it happen; they ended on bad terms, and Eduardo died, and if he wants to fantasize about Eduardo with him, here, he needs to acknowledge what went wrong between them.
So first, we have them "running into each other at a restroom" (which is pretty common in fic.) Also, the flicker indicates this shifting, into Mark going into confronting that he will need to apologize to Eduardo, in his fantasies.
"I don't know why you keep calling me that," you say. No, that's not right. "I don't know why you're calling me that," you say.
"keep calling" even though in Mark's imaginary timeline of this, they've barely spoken to each other, let alone been in situations where Mark called him Wardo. He's calling attention to his own inconsistency (calling him Wardo in his 'present') with this revision.
He says, "I'm s—"
He says, "Why Singapore?"
He says, "Do you remember the algorithm, on the window at—"
No, that's not right either.
And again, Mark has NO IDEA how to imagine this scene :'(
These are all Mark just... imagining, reimagining, etc. Also a reflection of me struggling deciding where to go with these lol
