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apple of my eye: DVD Commentary
So, I am like. Really fond of this story? Even if it was written in what I consider my pre-mature era (basically before 2012, though actually a lot of fic I like were written in 2011... like WWWW... and NMW... haha) I am just. Really fond.
The pattern of the story is sort of something I've done a number of times - mostly the friendship segueing into a friends with benefits type thing. (I write a lot of friends with benefits, okay, so sue me.) Still, it's the denouement and the ending that really does it for me, that makes me really fond of it. Of course there are aspects and places both within the plot and prose that can be improved upon; but that's what writing in my pre-mature era is for.
I've done DVD commentaries in the past but I think for this one I'm gonna frame it similarly to my process post, with the relevant sections. I have like a weirdly good memory when it comes to my stories? Especially my longer ones. So pah, five years,it's been five years since I first watched TSN and look at where I am rn
WHAT CAME FIRST? The title!
YEAH ACTUALLY this is one of those rare stories where I definitely had the title before anything of the story. I don't think I'd even signed up for cross_bbang (or whatever it was) at this point; I was listening to Panic! At the Disco's "Memories" after V&V had come out (~June 2011) and the phrase "apple of my eye" from it stuck with me. Like, I knew it was an idiom, but the song just made it really stand out to me and made me want to make it a fic title, so I was like. APPLE OF MY EYE, GO.
I think I wrote it in a notebook somewhere to come back to later P:
SIGNING UP & CONCEPTUALLY & WRITING
I don't think I deliberated very much when I signed up for cross_bbang. This was the year shortly after SM the Ballad had been arranged (that was like November 2010 iirc) and I fell in love with Kyuhyun/Jino at once.
But Kyuhyun and Jonghyun were also both of my biggest k-pop biases at the time, so the fact that they were going to be in a group together psyched me the fuck out. And then I saw the pics and fancams and the way they interacted - super dorky and comfortable with each other, and I was like, I NEED THIS. The whole idea of Kyuhyun being smitten with Jino but getting along obnoxiously well with Jonghyun is probably a dynamic I'll put in all my SMTB stories.
If I... write more... haha.
Anyway, so it was pretty much the ship I settled on when I signed up for cbb, at whatever point it was. I think I was bad at responding to the check-ins though and then it got canceled so I was like... well. I have 13k of a story to post now.
... Actually I think I wrote like, the first 11k of it around the first two weeks of July. As much as I liked it (and writing from Kyuhyun's POV, which is almost always a fun time for me) and loved the idea, writing itself was just kicking my ass so I struggled through it at first. Then I took a break when I heard cbb was canceled; but a few weeks later I was looking it over again and was like, well, there's actually not that much left, I might as well finish it. (I'd stopped I think after Kyuhyun ended up calling SHINee, and wrote the scenes after that all in one or two sittings IN A MOMENT OF REALIZATION I remembered that it was actually literally right before the last scene when I stopped, because I was so scared of the last scene LOL.)
PLANNING: FULL BRIEF PLAN
This is a story I know I definitely used a full brief plan for (that's what makes me finish the most P:) I had the number of sex scenes planned out, what they'd be interspersed with, when the confession would happen, and what the scenes after the confession/pseudo-breakup would contain, or when they were happening (time is sometimes a really good narrative tool lol)
I think I just used the white space bottom thing that I do, since there wasn't any need to handwrite anything since this was the summer so I didn't have high school to worry about, haha. I likely used my phone's messages (I had a flip phone and couldn't text at the time so I usually used that for portable fic notes) as well.
eta: guess who found actual outlines for this fic!
WRITING: RESEARCH
Ah, yeah, the research for this fic. I did a lot of it.
Mostly, I looked at the Wikipedia page for the major events, and I'm pretty sure I looked at a fansite to be more exact about dates/times/events, too. I also scoured Youtube to see how many performances they did and when >.> I was pretty meticulous about that part.
Of course, the date/time accuracy only matters for the first half of the fic; I was a lot more lenient and vague for the second half of it (after the confession) for both emotional purpose and because that was when their inactivity started so it was easier to be vague. I did take note of the Super Junior/SHINee events and schedules at the time, though, and threaded them in to still give a sense of time.
And... the Sekyung thing... HAHA. I actually completely forgot about it until the fic was done LOL and then I was like, there is literally no way to thread in that Jonghyun has a girlfriend without making it another subplot and changing a lot of stuff, especially wrt time. And, um, sex. So I didn't. (Upon reflection now I could've made it that SM had made Jonghyun get a girlfriend for PR, but... eh.)
WRITING: THE MEDIUM
Q10 (the motherfucking tool that deleted 15k of a drarry fic that I wrote so I don't trust it anymore), my old PC. The background was black; I'm pretty sure the text was light orange and Courier New.
OK ACTUAL COMMENTARY THIS TIME
Oh god my 2011 prose is so... well it's not bad but there's this certain narrative-awareness intonation that my beta drew my attention to in ~2012 so I'd started drawing myself out of my stories then... but it's definite here, haha.
THIS BEGINNING PROSE IS REALLY BORING I'M SORRY
Although Jonghyun is cute (Jonghyun is always cute.)
Ooh. Hrmm. I think one of the main reasons I like this fic so much because I actually had a very clear headcanon of how Jonghyun/Kyuhyun would interact - for a lot of my kfic I'm really... my characterization and character dynamics are really vague and two-dimensional, haha. Not that this fic is stupendously better, but I put a lot of effort in making their dialogue/dynamic exactly the way I pictured this, so a lot of this is a lot more entertaining than my... other kfic, lmao.
This part might be forced though? lmao. But at least what I wanted to show is pretty evident P:
O LOL I got to the part where they go to the SHINee dorms and I actually watched a video to see what they look like. LOL I think I had a bit of it written before I was like "wtf I might as well see if there's something online" and when I realized that they all lived in the same room at the time (literally wtf) I was like, well, there it is. And deleted everything I had before.
Ahh god I got to where the Suju subplot begins haha. I'm really happy with the amount of Kyuhyun ~character study I do in this because this line: Kyuhyun likes new things. New games, new computers, new songs. New things to do, new things to watch, new things to read. He likes new experiences and new people pretty much summarizes thematically what this story is about - Suju is old, SMTB is new, so most of his emotional investment is going to go into SMTB.
And it was kind of the vibe I got when the promo pics were released? Kyuhyun had always looked tired with Suju at the time, but he was a lot more alive with SMTB. Or... maybe it's just me. But yeah, the general (and obvious) air I wanted to give off with this.
Man this conversation with Donghae is really good...
JONGHYUN IS SO GOOD AND PURE AND I LOVE HIM
Oh man lmao I know next to nothing (ok I know literally nothing) about Jay so I kind of made him like... the responsible one out of Jonghyun and Kyuhyun (the conniving idiots) and Jino (the bb.) I think I read in a meta somewhere that he was kind of like that to them? Either that or I'm imposing, but as his character is in my fic, I like the dynamic and idea of it :D
I think the other one of my favorite things about this fic is while in the beginning we start to see Kyuhyun crushing on Jino, Jonghyun is always there - it's not peripheral or interrupting, but he's just always there in Kyuhyun's line of sightkinda like Kyuhyun's directions of affection stray a little toward Jonghyun too
I know that I did that intentionally LOL but I like how it's not like, over-the-top obvious but still on that border of obvious and vague enough to be enjoyable and ~clever
Henry just came in and I was like "ok it's time to listen to Don't Lie." So now it's playing, fittingly.
OH THIS WAS SOMETHING ELSE I looked up... lol... gj past me I forgot this completely
Okay those first three lines are forced as fuck but the last line is so good oh my god
Man I forgot about the Characters With The Same Letter First Name thing... it's admittedly not that distracting in this because Jay/Jino/Jonghyun have different lengths and appearances (Jay has the y at the end which makes it easy to distinguish from Jino, and Jonghyun is... Jonghyun) but I didn't even consider that when I first wrote this. Good thing it actually works out...
LOL THE ALBUM POSTPONEMENT... yeah that was in the timeline I used as reference... Idk where it is now though...
JINO IS ALSO PURE!!! KYUHYUN WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BLOCKHEAD WITH ACTUALLY GOOD TASTE IN PEOPLE
This narrative is so stilted and awkward sobs but I think the character dynamic is actually pulling this fic along, funnily enough.
lol accuracydropping and namedropping... welp. At least it shows off my research... despite the lack of smooth transitions...... sigh
Oh I forgot about the eye surgery...
16y/o self pls chill
ASDLGKJL I think the "which hyung do you like better" thing to Jino actually happened? and ofc I needed to put it in this HAHA but oh man I just remembered that (I think) it happened... this fic is so real... wtf
Okay, okay, I totally expected the Jonghyun kissing Kyuhyun scene to be a lot worse and read a lot more awkwardly but I actually REALLY LIKE IT? I started it kind of wary and worrying that it might've been forceful on either of their parts (which would be bad) or like... too vague or... have a weird reciprocation interpretation or something. But reading it now and I'm actually really satisfied.
I reaaallly like the last two lines:
because while the rest of the scene starts with us anticipating and like, the kiss comes as cognitively surprising to the reader as it does to Kyuhyun, and also the Jonghyun holding Kyuhyun's face in his hand but not pulling away (that is SO TENDER and SO GOOD 16y/o self you did a fucking good) this like. This answers the scene. Like I know the second to last line ends with "a question" but that sort of thing gives Kyuhyun the answer, and then the last line is something we already know - brought into this kiss thing. It's framed as the "answer" to Jonghyun's "question," but to us - to Kyuhyun - it's natural, instinctive, almost unassuming.
Damn.
But lol, these fuckbuddy scenes. I was really vague with the settings of them deliberately because with no one knowing... well upon reflection I could've just had them sneak each other into the other's dorm (well, Kyuhyun's...) but hidden practice rooms are... sexy? And more likely. And they already spent so much times in the practice rooms already so I guess it would've been less questionable to others haha
WHY IS PAST SELF EMOTIONALLY RUINING ME
Ooh, I remember a point/comment I made to myself while writing these pseudo-sex scenes! I wanted to keep the character dynamic between 2hyun intact (rather than fading to black post-orgasm all the time) to frame it so that Kyuhyun saw them as friends with benefits, while Jonghyun saw them as, well, dating.
ASDLFKJ I WROTE SOYBEANS when I meant edamame... lol.. well edamame is soybeans but I did't know that edamame was called that at the time (I ate them at home and this is one of the handful of words my family and I only refer to in Mandarin) so I just called them soybeans in this fic. lol woops
Oh man I really really like when Kyuhyun tries to figure out if Jino's allowed to date and Jonghyun kicks Kyuhyun under the table... and he ignores him at first but smiles the second time. UGH I really like the characterizations in this
lolol I think that the hug I was referring to was one of the ones we saw pictures of... frick y'know what I'm gonna go find it.
.......... okay compLETELY unrelated (ok it's mildly related) I stumbled upon this video of Kyuhyun, Jonghyun, and Jino in the studio for Hot Times?? AND I'M SCREAMING?? 2HYUN ARE SO CUTE??? LITERALLY HELP I'M MAKING NOISES AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS!!!!
ok ok I think the hug I was referring to was this one (you can't see Jonghyun because he's hugging Kyuhyun so tight!) because that's the one that stuck with me the most LOL
GRATUITOUS KYUSUNG SHOT
I love myself.
LMAO THIS SOUNDS so... like.. rubbing alcohol or something LOL I didn't know anything about alcohol/drinking at the time but I probably should've at least specified with, like, beer, or something. Woops.
There are lot of really awkward and grammatically incorrect sentences... oops...this fic wasn't beta'd can you tell
oogh it's time for unreliable narration P: P: P:
L A U G H S
(cries)
Jonghyun................
I really like this confession scene though, it's as fleeting but more poignant than the rest of the way this fic is written...
why do I always write Kyuhyun like this ;_; and I really like the way these lines are written for some reason? Except for "Kyuyhun's always one to give into lust," I don't like that sentence as much, haha. But the rest of it is just... written in a way that I like. gj gj
oh god Jonghyun blocked Kyuhyun's number... THIS IS SO SAD IM UPSET why didn't you talk to him first Jonghyun?? you should've talked to him first! no fuck that KYUHYUN SHOULD'VE TALKED TO HIM FIRST!! wwehh I like it (I mean like emotionally it's like, *suffers*) because this is Jonghyun ~fucking up~ after Kyuhyun fucked up so you're kinda like, the fuck Jonghyun? is this really the way to react?
But at the same time, like, Kyuhyun emotionally cheated on him and wasn't honest with him in the first place so can you really blame Jonghyun?? really?? No, really, can you and should you? COMPLEXITY good job 16 year old self
I am really upset I didn't MEAN for the Kyuhyun-Super Junior subplot to be foreshadowing/symbolic of Jonghyun avoiding Kyuhyun now but UGH I AM !! SO!!! UGH!!!!!
GALSDKFJL HYSTERICAL TAEMIN okay this is hands down probably one of my favorite scenes in this entire fic. HYSTERICAL TAEMIN. I know this part is supposed to be angsty but Taemin losing it at Kyuhyun is SO GOOD and also deserved and you go Taemin bb I'm so. I'm so chuffed.
I AM JUST... UPSET... AGAIN....
yeah yeah okay Kyuhyun you only liked Jonghyun sexually it wasn't like your heart didn't do flips and you didn't look forward to hanging out with Jonghyun, right? it was just sex? huh? was it? ugh!
side note though I think at the time I'd wanted to do more unreliable narration (it's a lot easier for me nowadays) and so this was one of my more conscious experimentation with it at the time but I like it? Maybe it's just me since I know what the implications are since, well, I wrote this. but like, Kyuhyun waving off Jonghyun blocking his number (pretending not to notice!) and the very obvious end to their relationship as nothing and trying to pick it up again... like the flippant narrative translated this so well?
And like, the whole "Jonghyun is stupid" bits and telling himself that the way he liked Jonghyun was always platonic or sexual because he had been too busy pining after Jino, because maybe back then he might've liked Jino more than Jonghyun but he and Jonghyun were the ones who. Had the thing. And I'm just upset.
ahaha unreliable narration-consciousness...
I don't know where and how Jay and Kyuhyun ran into each other on the street - that happens a bit often and conveniently in this fic... woops
Oh man, I also really like the presence of Suju in this fic, distant but at the same time not that distant? Like Kyuhyun is locked up in his head and wrapped up in his thoughts but it's like, very obvious that the world is moving on without him, and if he doesn't make an effort the's going to get left behind (lol leave me alone) so after the "breakup" he sinks back into Suju because... well...
I guess before it was the background thing while SMTB/Jino/Jonghyun was happening? With the whole left behind thing. But now that SMTB promotions are over and Jonghyun broke up with him Kyuhyun's all emo about it and now needs Suju to distract him because it's what he has to fall back on, after Jonghyun's... moved on without him... haha. Ha. Sobs.
fsr I am REALLY REALLY fond of this line, haha.
HE BLOCKED YOU YOU IDIOT sobs
the soybean!edamame returns...
Why is Jino so precious and pure and UGH.
honestly!!! drunk!Jino is!!! ;_; he is so adorable
I AM STILL SUFFERING, THANKS 16 YEAR OLD ME
I'm really glad how natural this dialogue feels to me though (especially the last part) bc this was a line I wrote in my notes that I explicitly wanted Jino to say. It definitely had the potential to sound forced and awkward but it definitely doesn't feel like it to me, especially since it's in a chunk of other stuff and I just really like the exposition. Like! It's awkward for Kyuhyun to hear but not Jino to say? gosh
okay this next exposition part is entirely too telling-y for my liking >.> I do really like the last paragraph though? I'm having mixed feelings - on one hand I like the way it reads like it's already The End and the last section is like a tiny moment of hope; at the same time I'm not sure if that's... the message. Well actually it was the message I wanted to send, but I'm rethinking how I'd probably prefer it if this exposition part made it clear that it's too late for their relationship to become anything more than this straggled distance anymore and then the last scene was Kyuhyun trying to grab for something that's just... gone. To add to Kyuhyun's patheticness...
... but it definitely reads the first way more, which is good I guess since that was my original intention. But as a reader (and a writer) content-wise I would've preferred the latter.
Okay so! I really really adore the prose in the last scene LOL I know I was so scared of it before/while I was writing it, but it turned out SO WELL; the writing here is probably better than the writing in the rest of this @__@ I don't even want to quote the parts because there's just so much I really enjoy.. because I'm vain... anyway.
okay I'm going to do live commentary right hERE for like the last 200 words lol
OTHER NOTES
Back on the title thing, I guess I don't want to say that I came up with the title and then once I had the idea I was like "yes this 2hyun is going to be called 'apple of my eye.'" Like I have a general thing with titles that the fic is supposed to feel it innately in some way, so I had the title, I had the fic idea, and then maybe after writing or right before writing the first scene or so, I was like, here's a placeholder title with a title that I really like but there's a possibility that I'll find something more fitting.
Except I didn't. Because the fic really liked the title and the title really liked the fic and it was just, yeah, NICE, COOL. Yeah.
Oh memories..... where'd you go............ you're all I've even known........ how I miss yesterday... and let it fade away....................... (this was not intentional ofc and I'm of the firm belief that you can probably apply any song to any situation but, y'know.)
--
So... I think this might be it for this fic's DVD commentary, haha. I exhausted pretty much every process detail/extraneous ~stuff and thoughts and feelings I had about this 5-year old fic, but despite the places where the writing, rhythm, and transitions could definitely use a lot of work (sigh, I was 16) there were a lot of enjoyable moments. And looking back, this fic was still fun and... well, not fun, but, you know. A story that was told, and not too badly :P
MAY 2HYUN LIVE FOREVER. Or KyuNo. Both. Both are good. Yes.
The pattern of the story is sort of something I've done a number of times - mostly the friendship segueing into a friends with benefits type thing. (I write a lot of friends with benefits, okay, so sue me.) Still, it's the denouement and the ending that really does it for me, that makes me really fond of it. Of course there are aspects and places both within the plot and prose that can be improved upon; but that's what writing in my pre-mature era is for.
I've done DVD commentaries in the past but I think for this one I'm gonna frame it similarly to my process post, with the relevant sections. I have like a weirdly good memory when it comes to my stories? Especially my longer ones. So pah, five years,
WHAT CAME FIRST? The title!
YEAH ACTUALLY this is one of those rare stories where I definitely had the title before anything of the story. I don't think I'd even signed up for cross_bbang (or whatever it was) at this point; I was listening to Panic! At the Disco's "Memories" after V&V had come out (~June 2011) and the phrase "apple of my eye" from it stuck with me. Like, I knew it was an idiom, but the song just made it really stand out to me and made me want to make it a fic title, so I was like. APPLE OF MY EYE, GO.
I think I wrote it in a notebook somewhere to come back to later P:
SIGNING UP & CONCEPTUALLY & WRITING
I don't think I deliberated very much when I signed up for cross_bbang. This was the year shortly after SM the Ballad had been arranged (that was like November 2010 iirc) and I fell in love with Kyuhyun/Jino at once.
But Kyuhyun and Jonghyun were also both of my biggest k-pop biases at the time, so the fact that they were going to be in a group together psyched me the fuck out. And then I saw the pics and fancams and the way they interacted - super dorky and comfortable with each other, and I was like, I NEED THIS. The whole idea of Kyuhyun being smitten with Jino but getting along obnoxiously well with Jonghyun is probably a dynamic I'll put in all my SMTB stories.
If I... write more... haha.
Anyway, so it was pretty much the ship I settled on when I signed up for cbb, at whatever point it was. I think I was bad at responding to the check-ins though and then it got canceled so I was like... well. I have 13k of a story to post now.
... Actually I think I wrote like, the first 11k of it around the first two weeks of July. As much as I liked it (and writing from Kyuhyun's POV, which is almost always a fun time for me) and loved the idea, writing itself was just kicking my ass so I struggled through it at first. Then I took a break when I heard cbb was canceled; but a few weeks later I was looking it over again and was like, well, there's actually not that much left, I might as well finish it. (
PLANNING: FULL BRIEF PLAN
This is a story I know I definitely used a full brief plan for (that's what makes me finish the most P:) I had the number of sex scenes planned out, what they'd be interspersed with, when the confession would happen, and what the scenes after the confession/pseudo-breakup would contain, or when they were happening (time is sometimes a really good narrative tool lol)
I think I just used the white space bottom thing that I do, since there wasn't any need to handwrite anything since this was the summer so I didn't have high school to worry about, haha. I likely used my phone's messages (I had a flip phone and couldn't text at the time so I usually used that for portable fic notes) as well.
eta: guess who found actual outlines for this fic!
WRITING: RESEARCH
Ah, yeah, the research for this fic. I did a lot of it.
Mostly, I looked at the Wikipedia page for the major events, and I'm pretty sure I looked at a fansite to be more exact about dates/times/events, too. I also scoured Youtube to see how many performances they did and when >.> I was pretty meticulous about that part.
Of course, the date/time accuracy only matters for the first half of the fic; I was a lot more lenient and vague for the second half of it (after the confession) for both emotional purpose and because that was when their inactivity started so it was easier to be vague. I did take note of the Super Junior/SHINee events and schedules at the time, though, and threaded them in to still give a sense of time.
And... the Sekyung thing... HAHA. I actually completely forgot about it until the fic was done LOL and then I was like, there is literally no way to thread in that Jonghyun has a girlfriend without making it another subplot and changing a lot of stuff, especially wrt time. And, um, sex. So I didn't. (Upon reflection now I could've made it that SM had made Jonghyun get a girlfriend for PR, but... eh.)
WRITING: THE MEDIUM
Q10 (the motherfucking tool that deleted 15k of a drarry fic that I wrote so I don't trust it anymore), my old PC. The background was black; I'm pretty sure the text was light orange and Courier New.
OK ACTUAL COMMENTARY THIS TIME
Oh god my 2011 prose is so... well it's not bad but there's this certain narrative-awareness intonation that my beta drew my attention to in ~2012 so I'd started drawing myself out of my stories then... but it's definite here, haha.
THIS BEGINNING PROSE IS REALLY BORING I'M SORRY
Although Jonghyun is cute (Jonghyun is always cute.)
Ooh. Hrmm. I think one of the main reasons I like this fic so much because I actually had a very clear headcanon of how Jonghyun/Kyuhyun would interact - for a lot of my kfic I'm really... my characterization and character dynamics are really vague and two-dimensional, haha. Not that this fic is stupendously better, but I put a lot of effort in making their dialogue/dynamic exactly the way I pictured this, so a lot of this is a lot more entertaining than my... other kfic, lmao.
"See what I mean about letting Kyuhyun grow on you?" says Jonghyun.
"I am not growing on anyone!"
"Please. We hang out for five days and already Jay's talking about gaming and Jino's eating more Chinese food than he can handle. Even I'm considering watching those dramas you go on about."
"That's not my fault, that's yours for letting me influence you," says Kyuhyun.
"No, it's from being around you too much. You give off negative waves." Jonghyun pointedly moves away from Kyuhyun.
"You give off failure waves," says Kyuhyun with a smirk, and walks off ahead of them down the street. Jonghyun goes after him, shouting, "Hey!"
"I swear, you two are like an old married couple!" Jay calls to the both of them.
"They really are," agrees Jino.
This part might be forced though? lmao. But at least what I wanted to show is pretty evident P:
O LOL I got to the part where they go to the SHINee dorms and I actually watched a video to see what they look like. LOL I think I had a bit of it written before I was like "wtf I might as well see if there's something online" and when I realized that they all lived in the same room at the time (literally wtf) I was like, well, there it is. And deleted everything I had before.
Ahh god I got to where the Suju subplot begins haha. I'm really happy with the amount of Kyuhyun ~character study I do in this because this line: Kyuhyun likes new things. New games, new computers, new songs. New things to do, new things to watch, new things to read. He likes new experiences and new people pretty much summarizes thematically what this story is about - Suju is old, SMTB is new, so most of his emotional investment is going to go into SMTB.
And it was kind of the vibe I got when the promo pics were released? Kyuhyun had always looked tired with Suju at the time, but he was a lot more alive with SMTB. Or... maybe it's just me. But yeah, the general (and obvious) air I wanted to give off with this.
Man this conversation with Donghae is really good...
JONGHYUN IS SO GOOD AND PURE AND I LOVE HIM
Oh man lmao I know next to nothing (ok I know literally nothing) about Jay so I kind of made him like... the responsible one out of Jonghyun and Kyuhyun (the conniving idiots) and Jino (the bb.) I think I read in a meta somewhere that he was kind of like that to them? Either that or I'm imposing, but as his character is in my fic, I like the dynamic and idea of it :D
I think the other one of my favorite things about this fic is while in the beginning we start to see Kyuhyun crushing on Jino, Jonghyun is always there - it's not peripheral or interrupting, but he's just always there in Kyuhyun's line of sight
I know that I did that intentionally LOL but I like how it's not like, over-the-top obvious but still on that border of obvious and vague enough to be enjoyable and ~clever
Henry just came in and I was like "ok it's time to listen to Don't Lie." So now it's playing, fittingly.
Jonghyun and Henry had shared a dorm together with the other SHINee members and Zhou Mi
OH THIS WAS SOMETHING ELSE I looked up... lol... gj past me I forgot this completely
"Hey, Kyuhyun," Jonghyun says as soon as Kyuhyun approaches him and the rest of them. "You haven't been spending a lot of time with Super Junior, have you?"
Kyuhyun eyes Jonghyun warily. "What are you going on about?"
"I mean, you seem to be around us a lot more."
Kyuhyun briefly wonders if Donghae has died and Jonghyun is channeling his spirit.
Okay those first three lines are forced as fuck but the last line is so good oh my god
Man I forgot about the Characters With The Same Letter First Name thing... it's admittedly not that distracting in this because Jay/Jino/Jonghyun have different lengths and appearances (Jay has the y at the end which makes it easy to distinguish from Jino, and Jonghyun is... Jonghyun) but I didn't even consider that when I first wrote this. Good thing it actually works out...
LOL THE ALBUM POSTPONEMENT... yeah that was in the timeline I used as reference... Idk where it is now though...
"I think Jay hyung's voice is the best," chimes in Jino.
JINO IS ALSO PURE!!! KYUHYUN WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BLOCKHEAD WITH ACTUALLY GOOD TASTE IN PEOPLE
This narrative is so stilted and awkward sobs but I think the character dynamic is actually pulling this fic along, funnily enough.
They perform flawlessly (at least, in Kyuhyun's opinion), and after glancing at the schedule, Kyuhyun hopes they can keep it up for the next few weeks. They'll be on Music Bank, Music Core and Inkigayo for about the next month. Not to mention the endless number of radio shows that they've been invited to.
The first music video gets decent reception, and the Hot Times gets even more. Kyuhyun knows that he looks good in it. So do the rest of them.
The day their second music video comes out, Kyuhyun, Jonghyun and Jino have been invited to Starry Night radio. Jay can't come, because apparently he's busy again.
After the broadcast and saying good-bye to Park Kyung Lim
lol accuracydropping and namedropping... welp. At least it shows off my research... despite the lack of smooth transitions...... sigh
Oh I forgot about the eye surgery...
At Sukira open broadcast - and after this, they have Youngstreet, and then the day after, Shimshimtampa
16y/o self pls chill
ASDLGKJL I think the "which hyung do you like better" thing to Jino actually happened? and ofc I needed to put it in this HAHA but oh man I just remembered that (I think) it happened... this fic is so real... wtf
Okay, okay, I totally expected the Jonghyun kissing Kyuhyun scene to be a lot worse and read a lot more awkwardly but I actually REALLY LIKE IT? I started it kind of wary and worrying that it might've been forceful on either of their parts (which would be bad) or like... too vague or... have a weird reciprocation interpretation or something. But reading it now and I'm actually really satisfied.
I reaaallly like the last two lines:
Kyuhyun hesitates, and then slowly works his lips against Jonghyun's. Jonghyun lets out a noise that sounds surprised, maybe even eager. He presses to Kyuhyun, again. A question.
So Kyuhyun lets himself get lost in the sensation of Jonghyun kissing him, because it's not like anything he's ever expected before, and it's new, sure—but Kyuhyun's always liked new things.
because while the rest of the scene starts with us anticipating and like, the kiss comes as cognitively surprising to the reader as it does to Kyuhyun, and also the Jonghyun holding Kyuhyun's face in his hand but not pulling away (that is SO TENDER and SO GOOD 16y/o self you did a fucking good) this like. This answers the scene. Like I know the second to last line ends with "a question" but that sort of thing gives Kyuhyun the answer, and then the last line is something we already know - brought into this kiss thing. It's framed as the "answer" to Jonghyun's "question," but to us - to Kyuhyun - it's natural, instinctive, almost unassuming.
Damn.
But lol, these fuckbuddy scenes. I was really vague with the settings of them deliberately because with no one knowing... well upon reflection I could've just had them sneak each other into the other's dorm (well, Kyuhyun's...) but hidden practice rooms are... sexy? And more likely. And they already spent so much times in the practice rooms already so I guess it would've been less questionable to others haha
Kyuhyun hums and doesn't say anything, even though Jonghyun's words run through his brain. He runs his teeth along Jonghyun's collarbone, letting the question remain forgotten in the air.
WHY IS PAST SELF EMOTIONALLY RUINING ME
Ooh, I remember a point/comment I made to myself while writing these pseudo-sex scenes! I wanted to keep the character dynamic between 2hyun intact (rather than fading to black post-orgasm all the time) to frame it so that Kyuhyun saw them as friends with benefits, while Jonghyun saw them as, well, dating.
ASDLFKJ I WROTE SOYBEANS when I meant edamame... lol.. well edamame is soybeans but I did't know that edamame was called that at the time (I ate them at home and this is one of the handful of words my family and I only refer to in Mandarin) so I just called them soybeans in this fic. lol woops
Oh man I really really like when Kyuhyun tries to figure out if Jino's allowed to date and Jonghyun kicks Kyuhyun under the table... and he ignores him at first but smiles the second time. UGH I really like the characterizations in this
lolol I think that the hug I was referring to was one of the ones we saw pictures of... frick y'know what I'm gonna go find it.
.......... okay compLETELY unrelated (ok it's mildly related) I stumbled upon this video of Kyuhyun, Jonghyun, and Jino in the studio for Hot Times?? AND I'M SCREAMING?? 2HYUN ARE SO CUTE??? LITERALLY HELP I'M MAKING NOISES AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS!!!!
ok ok I think the hug I was referring to was this one (you can't see Jonghyun because he's hugging Kyuhyun so tight!) because that's the one that stuck with me the most LOL
As they pass Jongwoon in the hallway after closing the door, Kyuhyun hisses to Jongwoon, "Don't call my friends pipsqueaks!"
"But he's short!" says Jongwoon, pointing at Jino.
"You're short!" Kyuhyun shoots back. And to prove it, he raises himself above Jongwoon a little before dragging Jino away into the living room.
GRATUITOUS KYUSUNG SHOT
I love myself.
He's found Jonghyun, laughing with his bandmates and sipping from his own bottle of alcohol.
LMAO THIS SOUNDS so... like.. rubbing alcohol or something LOL I didn't know anything about alcohol/drinking at the time but I probably should've at least specified with, like, beer, or something. Woops.
There are lot of really awkward and grammatically incorrect sentences... oops...
Besides, Kyuhyun has a distinct feeling that Jonghyun already knows.
oogh it's time for unreliable narration P: P: P:
"I like you," he says, just as footfalls fade away.
L A U G H S
(cries)
Jonghyun................
I really like this confession scene though, it's as fleeting but more poignant than the rest of the way this fic is written...
"In the spirit of Super Junior, I'll leave you all together to bond over ogling old actors and actresses," he says. "But I'd rather do something else."
...
Ryeowook's impeccable knack for guilt-tripping Kyuhyun almost works, but then he thinks of Jonghyun and decides against it. Kyuhyun's always one to give into lust.
"No, it's okay," he says distractedly, before looking down to his phone again. "Why won't he pick up?" Without any thoughts of Super Junior left in his mind, he walks out of the dorm and out of the building to find Jonghyun.
why do I always write Kyuhyun like this ;_; and I really like the way these lines are written for some reason? Except for "Kyuyhun's always one to give into lust," I don't like that sentence as much, haha. But the rest of it is just... written in a way that I like. gj gj
oh god Jonghyun blocked Kyuhyun's number... THIS IS SO SAD IM UPSET why didn't you talk to him first Jonghyun?? you should've talked to him first! no fuck that KYUHYUN SHOULD'VE TALKED TO HIM FIRST!! wwehh I like it (I mean like emotionally it's like, *suffers*) because this is Jonghyun ~fucking up~ after Kyuhyun fucked up so you're kinda like, the fuck Jonghyun? is this really the way to react?
But at the same time, like, Kyuhyun emotionally cheated on him and wasn't honest with him in the first place so can you really blame Jonghyun?? really?? No, really, can you and should you? COMPLEXITY good job 16 year old self
"What do you mean, you haven't seen him?" he asks. "Isn't he supposed to be your bandmate?"
From the other side of the room, Siwon, who had so graciously let himself in this morning, snorts at Kyuhyun's words.
I am really upset I didn't MEAN for the Kyuhyun-Super Junior subplot to be foreshadowing/symbolic of Jonghyun avoiding Kyuhyun now but UGH I AM !! SO!!! UGH!!!!!
GALSDKFJL HYSTERICAL TAEMIN okay this is hands down probably one of my favorite scenes in this entire fic. HYSTERICAL TAEMIN. I know this part is supposed to be angsty but Taemin losing it at Kyuhyun is SO GOOD and also deserved and you go Taemin bb I'm so. I'm so chuffed.
"You don't like me," says Jonghyun. Then he turns and walks away.
I AM JUST... UPSET... AGAIN....
yeah yeah okay Kyuhyun you only liked Jonghyun sexually it wasn't like your heart didn't do flips and you didn't look forward to hanging out with Jonghyun, right? it was just sex? huh? was it? ugh!
side note though I think at the time I'd wanted to do more unreliable narration (it's a lot easier for me nowadays) and so this was one of my more conscious experimentation with it at the time but I like it? Maybe it's just me since I know what the implications are since, well, I wrote this. but like, Kyuhyun waving off Jonghyun blocking his number (pretending not to notice!) and the very obvious end to their relationship as nothing and trying to pick it up again... like the flippant narrative translated this so well?
And like, the whole "Jonghyun is stupid" bits and telling himself that the way he liked Jonghyun was always platonic or sexual because he had been too busy pining after Jino, because maybe back then he might've liked Jino more than Jonghyun but he and Jonghyun were the ones who. Had the thing. And I'm just upset.
SM the Ballad promotions and performances are officially over for now, even if it's taken Kyuhyun a few weeks after the last practice to admit it to himself.
ahaha unreliable narration-consciousness...
I don't know where and how Jay and Kyuhyun ran into each other on the street - that happens a bit often and conveniently in this fic... woops
Oh man, I also really like the presence of Suju in this fic, distant but at the same time not that distant? Like Kyuhyun is locked up in his head and wrapped up in his thoughts but it's like, very obvious that the world is moving on without him, and if he doesn't make an effort the's going to get left behind (lol leave me alone) so after the "breakup" he sinks back into Suju because... well...
I guess before it was the background thing while SMTB/Jino/Jonghyun was happening? With the whole left behind thing. But now that SMTB promotions are over and Jonghyun broke up with him Kyuhyun's all emo about it and now needs Suju to distract him because it's what he has to fall back on, after Jonghyun's... moved on without him... haha. Ha. Sobs.
A turnabout of feelings, a miscalculation of his heart.
fsr I am REALLY REALLY fond of this line, haha.
Kyuhyun wonders how he knows this if Jonghyun doesn't even pick up his phone.
HE BLOCKED YOU YOU IDIOT sobs
the soybean!edamame returns...
Why is Jino so precious and pure and UGH.
"Do you like someone else right now?" asks Jino, evidently too interested.
Kyuhyun considers telling him no, but then he remembers that Jino is a bandmate and a friend and had been completely understanding when he had let Kyuhyun down. So Kyuhyun says, "Yes," and Jino positively squeals in excitement.
"Really? I won't ask who, though," Jino adds with a grin, "it'll probably be prying too much. Is it a guy too?" He seems completely undeterred that Kyuhyun is attracted to men. "Ooh, or is it a girl... I'd guess, but it's like prying again." He grins to himself.
honestly!!! drunk!Jino is!!! ;_; he is so adorable
"Is it Seohyun? Or one of your Super Junior bandmates? Nah, that'd probably be weird, you guys are like brothers." Jino waves a hand. "Changmin from DBSK? You and Jonghyun, though," and Kyuhyun's eyebrows fly up at this, "could work, you guys were always together when we were doing Ballad. But I don't think you'd like Jonghyun, he's not your type and you never acted like you liked him, right?"
I AM STILL SUFFERING, THANKS 16 YEAR OLD ME
I'm really glad how natural this dialogue feels to me though (especially the last part) bc this was a line I wrote in my notes that I explicitly wanted Jino to say. It definitely had the potential to sound forced and awkward but it definitely doesn't feel like it to me, especially since it's in a chunk of other stuff and I just really like the exposition. Like! It's awkward for Kyuhyun to hear but not Jino to say? gosh
okay this next exposition part is entirely too telling-y for my liking >.> I do really like the last paragraph though? I'm having mixed feelings - on one hand I like the way it reads like it's already The End and the last section is like a tiny moment of hope; at the same time I'm not sure if that's... the message. Well actually it was the message I wanted to send, but I'm rethinking how I'd probably prefer it if this exposition part made it clear that it's too late for their relationship to become anything more than this straggled distance anymore and then the last scene was Kyuhyun trying to grab for something that's just... gone. To add to Kyuhyun's patheticness...
... but it definitely reads the first way more, which is good I guess since that was my original intention. But as a reader (and a writer) content-wise I would've preferred the latter.
Okay so! I really really adore the prose in the last scene LOL I know I was so scared of it before/while I was writing it, but it turned out SO WELL; the writing here is probably better than the writing in the rest of this @__@ I don't even want to quote the parts because there's just so much I really enjoy.. because I'm vain... anyway.
okay I'm going to do live commentary right hERE for like the last 200 words lol
Kyuhyun is aware of every move Jonghyun makes, of every blink and nose scratch. There are no cars in the distance, nothing to interrupt. This is everything he's waited for. me: crying
"See you then," says Jonghyun, when Kyuhyun remains silent.
Kyuhyun somehow manages to find his voice and his courage just as Jonghyun's about to move away. YEAH KYUHYUN GO ;_;
"Bye."
Jonghyun looks at him.
And then Kyuhyun is reaching out to Jonghyun, bringing him close, and it's all happening so fast, fingers holding, shoulders pushing, knees brushing gosh I really love the rhythm of this?? and Kyuhyun really, really doesn't know what he's doing,
DRAMATIC LINE BREAK
and their lips touch.
Jonghyun pulls back after a second oNE?, or perhaps two !!!!!!. A small smile that Kyuhyun can't quite read is on his face. I am dying, at myself, help
"Bye Kyuhyun," says Jonghyun, and he turns to walk away.
Kyuhyun watches as he leaves, feeling confused. There's a taste lingering on his tongue, on his lips, and he doesn't know what it is.
He licks his lips, like he's kissing Jonghyun again, like he knows Jonghyun again. Jonghyun tastes different. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAD LINE I THINK... BUT I GUESS IT CAN BE READ HAPPY?? actually the ambiguity was 100% intentional because I wanted the reader to draw their own conclusions because lol AMBIGUITY god for this fic I love it but also it makes me angry because it IS. UGH!
OTHER NOTES
Back on the title thing, I guess I don't want to say that I came up with the title and then once I had the idea I was like "yes this 2hyun is going to be called 'apple of my eye.'" Like I have a general thing with titles that the fic is supposed to feel it innately in some way, so I had the title, I had the fic idea, and then maybe after writing or right before writing the first scene or so, I was like, here's a placeholder title with a title that I really like but there's a possibility that I'll find something more fitting.
Except I didn't. Because the fic really liked the title and the title really liked the fic and it was just, yeah, NICE, COOL. Yeah.
Oh memories..... where'd you go............ you're all I've even known........ how I miss yesterday... and let it fade away....................... (this was not intentional ofc and I'm of the firm belief that you can probably apply any song to any situation but, y'know.)
--
So... I think this might be it for this fic's DVD commentary, haha. I exhausted pretty much every process detail/extraneous ~stuff and thoughts and feelings I had about this 5-year old fic, but despite the places where the writing, rhythm, and transitions could definitely use a lot of work (sigh, I was 16) there were a lot of enjoyable moments. And looking back, this fic was still fun and... well, not fun, but, you know. A story that was told, and not too badly :P
MAY 2HYUN LIVE FOREVER. Or KyuNo. Both. Both are good. Yes.